This Is Going to Be a Good Autumn

For a couple of years now, the coming of autumn always meant trouble for me: won’t a rainy October deject me? Will I have gathered enough strength to be able to get up from the bed every morning? Won’t the persistent thoughts that I’m worthless and should’ve died long ago come back? Oh, those regular autumnal thoughts; moods quite fitting for the unfriendly autumnal weather.

“This autumn, though, is going to be a good one,” I’m thinking now, even when the wind is raging all around me, all I can see in the darkness is some lights reflected in the wet asphalt under my feet, and all I’m dreaming about is to finally stop this trudge-along and fall asleep in the warmth and quite of home.

This autumn is going to be a good one because this autumn I let myself do just this: take care of myself when I’m feeling so bad, and cold, and gloomy. It doesn’t mean that every time I get back home from work, I hit the bed right away. Sometimes it means that when I’m irritated, I turn on Yukari’s “Echo”. When I feel lonely, I reach out to a friend, or just think about the few I have. When I haven’t slept well at night, I put off this damned difficult task I’ve planned to finish today until a better time.

There’s no point in nurturing irritation; that parasite will devour the greater part of your energy with much enthusiasm if you let it do so. I won’t do myself a favour if I go on pondering the loneliness of my existence, either. It’s better to go back a couple of days or weeks, and recall that it doesn’t always feel this way. And what about work, what about sacrifice? I value both very much, but not more than my own well-being. The world needs me? Well, it probably does, but probably not too much; not to the extent where I’d have to carry on all stressed out and exhausted.

But what about autumn, and the wayward thoughts it will bring me all the same? …I can tell you that this year is the first one when I feel that I don’t have to yield to them. I already know those thoughts well enough to be able to stop the one that, running at full speed, would hit me and send me flying downwards a murky autumnal depression. They are my thoughts, and I can do with them whatever I want to — not the other way round.

So this autumn, instead of picking up all the fatigue and dejection that autumn will inevitably bring me as if it was the greatest of gifts, I’m going to take care of myself. I’m strong enough now to make it a plan, and I think I’m strong enough to keep to it, too.

And that is all. But this little is enough to say that this is going to be a good autumn.

P. s.: You can read a Polish version of this post at uczesiemowic.blogspot.com.

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Published by

mulan92

I'm an unprofessional writer, reader and translator. I'm also a walking, breathing and listening addict. And I love being all that.

7 thoughts on “This Is Going to Be a Good Autumn”

  1. I feel similarly, though my good mental health could be attributed to change. I don’t really like being in one place for a long time, and change brings me temporary feeling of purpose.
    Still…this year’s autumn does look incredibly promising. The city lights are bright and the people are kinder. If it ever gets dark and gloomy though, for you, do come to Edinburgh – what it lacks in temperature it makes up in charm!

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      1. Anytime, just gimme time to warn my landpeople. Edinburgh is a city in which many people feel at home, and that is why I love having friends over – it feels like sharing a geographical piece of my heart.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I actually miss autumn. I have been in South America for one year now where it’s basically always summer (unless you go very far south). It’s actually boring to have sun all the time, so I will return to Europe in 2017.

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    1. In the middle of Europe, it’s never boring if you consider weather. With all the regular changes, and the climate change on top of that (recently someone reminded me that we used to see frost-made patterns on window panes here some twenty years ago – I haven’t seen them since, the winter tends to be mild nowadays)…
      I like autumn so much, actually, that I start missing it in mid-summer. Early autumn here is sometimes referred to as the “gold Polish autumn” – it can be really beautiful for a month or so but the rest of autumn is more… complicated.

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